A ghoul in a cell phone sandwich board roams the main drag, lethargic. Candy canes push marshmallow pumpkins off the shelves. California looks like Armageddon and I’m holding the course, avoiding the hellfire and brimstone, to bring you the 6th installation of 2007’s most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes. Soak it up while you can, the season’s almost done.
1. Horny Bastard Halloween T-Shirt (Buycostumes.com). Horny Bastard merges the worst bits of the “This is My Costume” T-shirts with post-pubescent humor. A costume that isn’t a costume heralding literal lameness, Horny Bastard is too stupid and smug to be threatening. That is, perfect for a Prep who wants to slum it up this holiday by going dirty anti-establishment. Of course we all know that anyone shirking creativity (especially on Halloween!) commits a cardinal sin and should be immediately placed upon the seat of honor in the carnival dunk tank to be thrown upon the mercy of a wrathful society.
2. Fat Cheerleader Halloween Costume (Halloweenexpress.com). Straight from an episode of Dr. Phil, a question of scruples. One one hand, we shouldn’t be maligning attempts for big-boned ladies to shake their groove thang but on the other hand, we shouldn’t be stoking the obesity epidemic. But no matter how you shake it, nobody (except chubby chasers who’ll loathe your false temptations) wants to see a blobular gut hanging over a retro cheerleader’s skirt. (Straight from Rydell High, yes?) You’re only choice? Just don’t do it.
3. Child Bride Halloween Costume (LillianVernon.com). Um… Conservative and creepy and primeval all at the same time. If your child wants, above all else, to be a bride this Halloween, rethink how your parenting techniques. You’re setting Biffy up for a lifetime of disappointments and bad choices.
4. Fig Leaf Halloween Costume (frankbeecostume.com). Mea Culpa! Would you be able to identify this foliage if it came bopping ’round your ‘hood? Didn’t think so. Sure, you’d get extra points for being confident enough to dally around in those green tights but do you really want to embody the foliage most known for covering repressed jock areas? Enormous cartoon Mickey gloves fused with lost Fruit of the Loom mascot will only elicit a lot of Halloween “huh?”s.
5. Adult Baby Humping Granny Halloween Costume. Why oh why is this huge man-baby humping his granny? Big baby with endocrine issues (or abnormal toddler or regressive adolescent) has oodles of fun while granny silently screams. Adult Baby Humping Granny illustrates the dark side of a failure to wean. Proportionally disturbing, it elicits more questions than answers.
6. Dog Mermaid Halloween Costume (ebay.com). I haven’t seen anything this cryptozoologically incorrect since Cheetah and Ma saw that ostrich-grizzly last summer. Costume + Pets = Bad. Costumes Restricting Hindquarter Mobility + Pets= Worse. A great new cause for Ellen.
7. Ginormous Christmas Bear Costume (halloweencostumes4u.com). Forget cute and cuddly, this jacked bear scares the crap out of me. Overlook the holiday-inappropriate Santa hat and the enormous ’80s bow on the collar, the black leather Hell’s Angels vest and tough paw winds up for a hearty bitch slap. A walking animatronic nightmare.
Filed under: Halloween
