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    Inappropriate Halloween Costume 2008
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Duck, you sucker!

How does one explain the psyche compression and dismantling caused by a DNA-sharing jerk? Brother Buddy is entirely past the age of youthful mistakes. He has become he who see-saws through the mind when the phone rings in the middle of the night. He is a convicted felon, probably a sociopath and do-er of very bad deeds.

Buddy’s background is not unusual. Our parents lovingly raised us in middle-class suburbia and unknowingly imparted a history of mental illness. Two generations ago, my namesakes spontaneously developed schizophrenia, stripped naked and jumped out of windows. In modern times, a close cousin checked into a mental hospital on Christmas Day and became a religious zealot with a flair for stealing (and buying) underwear. $25,000 worth. Oh for a holiday without someone either arrested or admitted. Would anyone ever guess that this is my life?

Extra, extra read all about it! Mom and Pop fear for Buddy’s life (because they, nor I, can understand HOW someone could make such a string of god-awful decisions… unless that particular person were certifiably nuts) and allow him to keep coming back to the house. I hate, hate, hate, hate them for this.

Present Day: Pop leaves metro-DC neighborhood of million-dollar historical homes and a particularly community-friendly feel to help Mom build their retirement house up north. Thus Buddy is home alone. Day One. Two hours pass. A knock at the door. Buddy answers. BAM! Gideon bursts into the home, gun a-waving. [Gideon, they say, is an ex(?) “associate” of Buddy’s who is there to engage in some “business” that Buddy “no longer” patronizes.]

Buddy grabs the gun and somehow wrestles Gideon to the ground, aided by his friend Nils. (I have a hard time picturing this as Buddy likes to talk tough but in many ways is still the biggest baby I’ve ever encountered). Buddy and Nils pistol whip Gideon a few times and throw him out of the house. They check the clip. Empty. After dead-bolting the front door, they escape out the back and take off in Nils’s car.

Gideon, bloody and dazed, throws a brick through the front window and kicks down the front door. This alerts the neighbors – I believe Mr. Vietnam War Vet as well as gossipy Mr. House Frau get on the case – who call the C.O.P.S. Apparently Buddy and Nils don’t consider this an option.

As Gideon gets busy throwing the contents of the living room out into the front yard (a keyboard, autoharp and electric guitar were the only victims), what seems to be the entire city police force shows up at the house. They storm the house, search it for additional perps and find it empty. Gideon is arrested.

Gideon gives the C.O.P.S. Buddy’s cell phone number and Buddy and Nils go down to the station. Questioning. Charges pressed against Gideon. Good Cop – Bad Cop action. Buddy’s file gets pulled. C.O.P.S. freak out. A separate case is filed against Buddy because obviously there’s some shady business going on. But they don’t know exactly WHAT. Let me know when you find out, gumshoes. I’m just as curious as the next fellow.

For this reason, I live 3,000 miles away.


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