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Vol’s Belorussian Fat-Burning Slurry

I am committed to once again fitting into the “average” weight category for my height. I am about 7 lbs into “overweight”. I must wear this extra weight well because nobody thinks I have an issue. Kinda like the Brit-punk who was shocked, despite my warning, that I couldn’t fit into the size 28 pants in the back of his St. Martin’s Square store. As there were no dressing rooms, per se, I imagined seeing myself on a big billboard ala European Vacation. But so far so good. Anyway, I want to get rid of these 7 lbs + 15 lbs so I can look healthy and not blobby in my cool new dress.

I am taking a very scientific approach to this weight loss so I crunched my caloric intake numbers, level of physical activity, calories in a pound, healthy weight loss per week, etc. Yesterday, day one: completely starving. Vol predicted I’d fall off the wagon in the middle of the night, break into the fridge and eat all the ice cream. Luckily I exhibited extreme self control. Day two: still hungry but it’s going a bit better. I am discouraged that it’ll take me approximately 5 months to reach my ideal weight. So I’ll just see how it goes for a week or so and determine if science will prevail. I hope so because I simply cannot be hungry for 5 months.

Vol suggested a tried and true Belorussian fat-burning trick. Drink one of these per day and watch the extra pounds just melt away: a tall glass of lemon juice mixed with cayenne pepper. Makes sense to me. After one of those your stomach will just give up.


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