Halloween is Hollywood’s most important holiday, by far trumping Christmas, Yom Kippur, Cinco de Mayo, and the lot. Streets are blocked of, traffic is jammed and the look-at-me attitude is taken to unbelievable heights. I have seen costumes that I wouldn’t confess to a priest.
So this morning one of the many catalogues Oriental Trading Company spams me with every month shows up in the mail. I thumb through, checking if any of their products are high-quality enough to warrant purchase for my business. Nope. However, a particular section captures my interest… the Halloween Costumes. Their costume selections truly set the bar for tacky and inappropriate. And this is coming from someone whose scary ex-model Viola Swamp of a 5th grade teacher Ms. Bezold wore a jaw dropping, cover your eyes kids, sexy piratess outfit to our elementary school’s Halloween parade. A kid also trick-or-treated my parent’s house dressed as the Unabomber. Out of his entire route that night, my Pop was the only one who correctly guessed his costume. Way to go Pops!
So, here is a collection of the worst Halloween Costumes peddled by Oriental Trading Company:
1. Adult and Baby Whoopie Cushion. Mikey asks if it farts when you punch the guy in the stomach.
2. Dog and Beth the Bounty Hunters. (Not yet listed on the website.) My Top Picks for Vol and Mikey’s Halloween Costumes this year.
3. Mad Cow and Milkmaid (link for Mad Milkmaid only as Mad Cow is not yet listed on the website). Where do I begin? I don’t think we’ve sufficiently dealt with calamitous infectious diseases on a global scale enough to be poking fun at ’em. I mean, come on! What’s next… Sick Birds? Ebola Monkeys? This is my #1 pick thus far for 2006 Inappropriate Halloween costumes. Vol querries, “What’s the weird thing on the cow’s pee pee?”