Herein lies the fourth installment of the Baby Hatchetface Inappropriate Halloween Costumes Series (2006). I found some truly disturbing costumes this week. But before you read any further, be sure to check out Part 1, Part 2 and Part 3. Okay, got your barf bucket ready? This week I’m highlighting scary Halloween personalities.
1. Wacko Jacko Halloween Mask (halloweenstore.com). Dare to celebrate the occasion as a man-child pedophile? This thoroughly inappropriate costume is the one for you. Does not include baby-dangling Blanket. If you deign to trick-or-treat Tom Sneddon’s house as Wacko Jacko, please take pictures. If you don’t, you’ll be arrested.
2. Vato Loco Halloween Mask (frightcatalog.com). The Gang Banging Vato Loco Mask caused quite a controversy when it first hit the market as activists asserted, “This is an absolutely grotesque stereotype that represents some people’s images of Latinos.” and “What’s disturbing is that this caricature is mixed in with ghosts, ghouls and demons and is pitched as being among the most frightening of images — it denigrates Latinos to being that frightening.” Way to be socially sensitive, Fright Catalog.
3. Italian Momma Halloween Mask (frightcatalog.com) aka The Strega Nonna. I feel the same way as the activists do about this Italian Momma. How DARE Fright Catalog assume that my Italian Nonna is as scary as Leatherface! So what if I was beaten as a child by a wooden spoon? And if I was banned from even looking at knickknacks and plastic-covered furniture it was out of love, damn it!
4. Dr. Condoleeza Rice Halloween Mask (buycostumes.com). This Condi Mask is the perfect centerpiece for any United States Secretary of State Halloween Costume. Honestly, unless a politician is embroiled in some sort of lurid scandal or you’re a federal employee in need of an outfit for the office Halloween party, I find these costumes rather ho-hum. But it’s your funeral. Take that Axis of Evil!
By the way, I’ve also seen Laura Bush masks… but really, what’s the point? Unless you’re literally trying to bore someone to death. In that case, you’re sick.
5. Eminem Halloween Costume (starcostumes.com). The official name for this getup is Tighty Whitey, despite the model’s Asian-i-tude. An obvious Eminem knockoff. Lame and Dated. Don’t do it. Da Ali G costume is an acceptable rapper replacement. Parody of a parody. Wrap your brain around that one. Quite a popular Halloween costume, again, this year.
6. Man Baby Halloween Costume (starcostumes.com). This Big Baby Costume isn’t so much Halloween Fun as it’s an episode of Jerry Springer. Hence you’re not highlighting your sense of humor, you’re accentuating your deep dark issues. And nobody’s gonna wanna touch that with a 10-foot pole.
7. Mammogram Man Halloween Costume (wackyplanet.com). Totally tasteless. Offensive to at least 53% of the population. Way to misogynistically and arbitrarily belittle life-saving machines of modern medicine. Dudes, how would you feel if this guy was dressed up as a proctologist? I’m just sayin’.
8. Country Lovin’ Halloween Costume (costumeshopper.com). Includes hat, jumpsuit, attached buttocks and inflatable lovin’ lamb. Nasty. When did f-in animals become humorous? I didn’t find it amusing at my old job when I trashed a script that had Korn forcing a groupie to seduce a goat and I don’t find it amusing now. I hope PETA comes and beats your hillbilly ass, you sicko. Ironically, the only people that would order this costume are the ones who’ve never had any human contact, if you know what I mean.
9. Ron Jeremy Halloween Costume (scarepros.com). Some companies call this the “Super Stud” but come on, who are they fooling? Pants up or down, this costume is 100% grotesque. What is up with the body hair that was applied with a can of Kraft Easy Cheese? Um, Hurl!
10. Tara Reid Halloween Costume (easleys.com). This Halloween outfit also goes by the name “Wardrobe Malfunction” but it looks suspiciously like one of Tara Reid’s more publicized red carpet moments. Pokes fun at celebrities under the influence, poor fashion sense and bad business management when these issues should be taken very seriously. Please don’t expose your children to this.
11. Darth Vader Halloween Costume for Toddler (infashionkids.com). The main purpose of this child’s Halloween costume is to pronounce the ineptitude of his parents. Come on, your kid is totally screwed if you start him out in life by swaddling him in the clothes of evil. Even more so if you shirk this for The Emperor Darth Sidious.
12. Yoda Dog Halloween Costume (hauntyourhome.com). Listen up, I’m only going to say this once. Pets are not meant to wear costumes. I don’t care how cutesy they are, it’s not right. This is why when The Machine, D2 and I were younger and stuck a pearl necklace and pair of shorts on D2’s mutt Einstein, he promptly took a crap in ’em. Nature was rebelling against man’s inhumanity. I don’t even want to THINK about what would happen if all the neighborhood dogs became little Yodas for the night. Besides, I highly doubt the pooch in the picture is actually wearing this costume. It looks entirely photoshopped.
Filed under: Halloween |