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Granny Seeks Her Revenge and Humiliates the Family

Granny founded The Butternut Lake Association a long, long time ago for the purposes of lake preservation and conservation. Often, she can be spotted trolling the lake with Richard at the helm of his pontoon boat, lowering secchi disks into the deep blue depths and recording its clarity. Butternut Lake, after all, is the most pristine in the area.

Butternut Lake

Granny, however, flies into a rage at the arrival of the seasonal Butternut Lake Association Newsletter. She sees its wasteful society pages and shouts, ” Who cares about the name of so-and-so’s new baby!” For years we’ve agreed. But not anymore. Not after what she’s done.

From the Northwoods News (Fall, 2006):

Focus on The Hatchetface Family

“Everyone has talents. Sometimes it is difficult to find out who or what they are.” “Work makes life sweet.” These two mottoes are the guidelines for the family of Grandpa and Granny Hatchetface, long time Butternut Lake residents. One PhD in a family is a stellar accomplishment, but the Hatchetface clan has set an impressive standard which will be hard to beat – they have garnered six doctorates!

Two of the PhDs are long standing. Grandpa Hatchetface has a PhD in Physics from Yale, and his son, Pops Hatchetface received is PhD in Oceanography from Florida State.

There are four newly minted PhDs which have been added this year. Grandpa and Granny’s daughter, Fudge Hatchetface, recently received her PhD in Urban Renewal Landscape Architecture from the University of Edinburgh, and her husband, Lamb Bone, earned his doctorate from North Carolina State. His field was Architecture with an emphasis on Solar Energy.

Not to be outdone, the grandchildren have earned their share of advanced degrees and honors as well. This year The Machine Hatchetface, the son of Ma and Pops Hatchetface, received his PhD in Chemical Engineering from the University of Delaware. And Bertie Hatchetface, the son of Uncle Al the Kiddie’s Pal, earned his PhD from the University of California at Santa Barbara. Bertie also won a National Science Foundation prize to be shared with a group with whom he had worked. It was the only NSF grant awarded this year.

Other family members with impressive credentials are dentists Peggers Hatchetface and Gummy Hatchetface, who are both daughters of Grandpa and Granny. Gummy’s husband H-Rez is an oncologist.

Congratulations to the Hatchetface clan! Can anyone top their record? Don’t forget to send Northwoods News updates of your family’s news. It doesn’t have to be as spectacular as all those PhDs, but people on the lake love to hear what’s going on with their neighbors.

I’d like to take this moment to hurl all over myself. I told Ma that we should publish a counterpoint to this article pointing out that half the Hatchetfaces aren’t talking to the other half with an appendix of criminal infractions.

P.S. I don’t feel too bad that I’m not personally mentioned in this article because Northwoods News gave me my own story on the inside pages. Ha HA!


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