Thanks for checking out my weekly Inappropriate Halloween Costumes series where bad ideas for costumes just keep on rollin’. What I find most disturbing about these costumes is that they are actually for sale. Sure you can visit sites touting homemade delicate anatomy costumes and grotesque themed outfits like OD-ing Prom Date but can you find companies actually willing to sell them? In the Baby Hatchetface Series, the answer is always YES. Behold the wonders of democracy, capitalism and subconscious repression. Visit Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, and Part 5 to really get in the groove. Up this week:
1. Saddam Hussein Halloween Mask (frightcatalog.com). Ever since Saddam Hussein was caught in a filthy hole, eating wieners and looking like a muddy Woodstock hippie, his scare stock crashed. Neither frightening nor, given the current unrest in the Middle East, funny. Plus the red beret and black turtleneck fashion this Hussein rendition into an unshaven pansy of an art student. I’ve met many in my life so I can expertly assess this as WEAK.
2. Arabian Sheik Halloween Costume (e-halloweencostumes.com). White man dons lots of cloth, bad beard and velcroed sandals to complete sheik-dom. Not exactly “convincing”. But it does look pretty comfortable for summer in the San Fernando Valley. Weren’t a bunch of these guys stuffed into a VW van attempting to carry out death and destruction during the Back to the Future franchise? I imagine less learned folk might find this scary if accented by heavy artillery but unless you want to be tarred and feathered or quartered by a couple of Ford pickups, I advise against it.
3. Gas Pump Halloween Costume (target.com). Target Corp., home to lots of Halloween treats, gets a big ol’ thumbs down on its Gas Pump costume. Especially since a jerk might want to pair it with the above Sheik. See, Gas Pump does not frighten me because I don’t drive a suburban assault vehicle. And even if I did, the pump itself is not scary so much as the politics, corruption and pollution behind it. Conclusively, Gas Pump misses the mark. Beholders might be prone to initially praise its cleverness but that will soon give way to reflection, sadness and the realization that Gas Pump is simply Halloween inappropriate. I might find Gas Pump entertaining, though, if it was lit afire (no really, don’t). Now that’s a statement to the nth degree.
4. Beer Keg Halloween Costume (spirithalloween.com). Idiocracy now on tap. Particularly if you’re over 21.
5. Breathalyzer Halloween Costume (partyamericastore.com). Perhaps drunk people might laugh at you. Perhaps they might retaliate against the embodiment of reckless stodginess. You’re really rolling the dice on this costume. Especially since Breathalyzer is quite perverse as noted by the precarious location of the blow tube. You won’t even get the squares on your side. This costume disaster is sure to celebrate Halloween friendless and alone.
6. Hung Like a Horse Halloween Costume (allcostumes.com). For reasons I’ll never understand, this costume is sold out all over the internet except at All Costumes which appears to have a few left in stock. But really, why bother? We might as well call Hung Like a Horse the Napoleon Complex. That is, those that doth flaunt are those that doth lack. And it’s a bit pervy, really, to have your Johnson so comfortably nestled against an equine head. Cheesy, bestiality sodomite, ick. Lock ’em up Animal Cops.
7. Condom Halloween Costume (buycostumes.com). Help, he’s bitsy-enough to be trapped in a condom and he can’t get out. And what, then, is his communique? Something just ain’t right about this. Funny, no. In fact, you sort of feel sorry for the guy for picking such a bad costume because you know he’s eventually going to be suffocated by the latex and die.
8. Dirty Hand Lotion Halloween Costume (ltmparty.com). LTM Party, celebrating lifetime memories, describes this costume as “Oh boys will be boys! Make the ladies giggle with glee.” Who in the hell celebrates lifetime memories in a Dirty Hand Lotion costume? And what ladies are giggling with glee? I just don’t understand all these stupid phallo-centric outfits where the dude is trying to get his hoo-hah grabbed. Sir, you look like an impotent douche in this aqua-bubbly outfit.
9. Television Set Halloween Costume (prankplace.com). First of all, this TV Set is of very poor construction. You can easily make a better one with black paint, tin foil and couple slabs of cardboard. This costume truly spotlights the wearer’s ego centrism. And what a way to celebrate your needy ego in an out-dated (rabbit ears!), shoddily crafted idiot-box. Perhaps if you paired a TV costume with an evil politician mask (your choice) and a pitchfork you might be saying SOMETHING. But as is, this costume is a disgrace to craftsmanship everywhere.
Alright folks, I’m stopping with lucky #9 ’cause I just took the dizzy pills. Peace ’til next week!
Filed under: Halloween |