Halloween is just around the bend and if you haven’t gotten a good costume yet then you best get cracking. Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, Part 4, Part 5 and Part 6 of the Baby Hatchetface Inappropriate Halloween Costume series spotlight the most “that just ain’t right” Halloween costumes that 2006 has to offer. Now, if you’ve been following along, you’ll notice that occasionally I like some of the aforementioned costumes. Well this week, I like ALL of the profiled costumes, no matter how ill-suited for Halloween they are. Bon appetit.
1. Deviled Egg Halloween Costume (prankplace.com). From one rotten egg to another, Deviled Egg is a bit low-brow for a wow-able Halloween costume but it’s just so darn adorable that I can’t help but want to squeeze the yolk out of it. Keep an eye out for large mayonnaise jar and cutlery set.
2. Headless Chicken Halloween Costume (target.com). What does a headless chicken have to do with Halloween? Not much but it’s still separably nifty. To really make this costume believable egregiously incorporate muscle spasms. And up the cute factor by trick-or-treating with an Alice Cooper. Or Colonel Sanders. You could dump a bunch of the separated heads into a KFC bucket for extra-scary appeal.
3. Goth Milk Halloween Costume (allcostumes.com). Goth Milk? Tee hee. What I like about this costume is that it displays its easy-to-read message right on its torso. Three cheers also for the “realistic piercings” and the shiny but altogether impractical stomping boots. I really can’t resist tittering at Gothic couture… and bad, bad seeds. As for Halloween acceptability, let us all say in unison, “Goths aren’t scary!” Therefore poking fun at a non-spooky institution renders the satire useless, no matter how clever it is. A pale-faced, heavy-lidded beanpole might implore the reason for his-her-its non-threatening nature. To which I respond, it’s the makeup, fake fangs and overt piercings. I just can’t take the combination of theatrics, reverse-beautification and artificial transmogrification seriously. (But really, I adore Trent Reznor.)
4. Hunger Pains Halloween Costume (frightcatalog.com). If you’re expecting your adoring public to espy your costume and think, “Ah, hunger pains!”, you’re going to be waiting for a long, long time. But that doesn’t make it any less cool. Hunger Pains rocks great visuals and offers a double interpretation. Either a creature is bursting through your gut or your stomach is ready for some serious vengeance. Be sure, when you slap on hunger pains, to take a cue from the joe below. Your facial expression sets the mood for this gem.
5. Adult Baby in High Chair Halloween Costume (halloweenexpress.com). Out and out ridiculous and completely devoid of any Halloweenish qualities, Adult Baby in High Chair makes me smile every time. This costume effortlessly leaps over creepy man-issues and straight into absurd foolery.
6. Street Entrepreneur Halloween Costume (halloweenexpress.com). Totally cheese and mostly tame, Street Entrepreneur has a kitsch factor that’s surprisingly appealing and just a tad street creepy. Harkens back to the day when The Machine would conjur an old man’s voice and say, “Wanna buy a pen?” and then, when I was trying to figure out what he was talking about, he would punch me in the kidneys.
7. Birthday Stripper Halloween Costume (starcostumes.com). More appropriate for an adult venue than an all-ages holiday, Birthday Stripper excels by positing a gross bubba as a desirable spectacle.
8. Reno 911 Halloween Costume (anniescostumes.com). Look closely, Lt. Dangle is made out of pleather. God bless the man that’s comfortable in hot-pants and is brave enough to parade about in this greatness. (Particularly if your audience is, shall we say, unfamiliar with the Reno gem.) I’d like to take a moment here to relate that my friend Ned was very excited to perform his first stand-up gig and relished the enthusiastic response until realizing halfway through his set that the venue was a gay bikers bar. Let’s just say the conclusion included a couple of phone numbers and lot of running.
9. Devo Halloween Costume (halloweencostumeshop.com). Good luck finding this Devo radiaton suit as it is sold out all over the place. Devo costume, accented by literal “Whip It” whip, is chumpy, cheap, outdated, odd and bizarrely heart-warming. Expect blank stares and occasional crying from tots.
10. Sebastian Bach Wig Halloween Costume (target.com). Picture a suburban Mom or Dad gettin’ all duded up in one of these Sebastian Bach wigs and the doorbell chimes. Mom or Dad grabs the bowl of Tootsie Pops and greets the neighborhood trick or treaters who grab the candy, take one look at Mom or Dad, chortle and vow to return at midnight to TP the house. Why? Because unless you’re getting ready for just another Saturday night at the Rainbow, this costume will carbon-date you. And if you’re carbon-dated, you’re square. Except if you’re 70+ then you return to cool.
(Now if your heart is set on the Sebastian Bach wig, you can flex your brain and incorporate it into a collective Stars Hallow Supergroup costume featuring Gil, Kirk, Michel, Miss Patty, Taylor and Mrs. Kim. And then I will bow down before you and extend great tidings.)
11. Hellvis Halloween Costume (buycostumes.com). Very doubtful that most folk will intuitively string together the Hell+Elvis = Hellvis play on words so be prepared to be mistaken for one slick flashy-red devil in this costume. Unless you actually believe Elvis is (or, for conspiracy theorists, belongs) in hell, underneath the cooler than thou exterior, Hellvis just don’t make much sense. But then again, neither do Dixie-fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches (Which I really couldn’t force myself to eat at the Sun Studio Cafe in Memphis, even though they were being served up by a heavily-tatted fry cook). Fundamentally, though, we all know that Elvis is waiting in line for that great big buffet on Neptune. And being the word, pop culture and absurdist geek that I am, I love, love, love Hellvis.
12. Magnum PI Halloween Costume (costumecraze.com). You just can’t fight Tom Selleck’s suave debonair. Tommy Boy’s making a real comeback via cable reruns of that perennial favorite, Magnum PI. At least according to my 12-year-old-cousin. Gotta love the tropics. But if you’re going to be rocking this costume, please find a better mustache. And beware, those not digging Magnum may mistake you for a Caribbean drug smuggler. Which on second thought, makes this getup very Halloween appropriate.
13. Voodoo Doll Halloween Costume (wackyplanet.com). Cute and original, but kinda misses the scary mark because unless Mr. Voodoo Doll represents you, there ain’t no need to freak. That is precisely why I suggest that if you go this route, know your neighbors’ dirty laundry and carry around nameplates. Then, when you arrive on their front porch with your pillow case open to receive the goods, you can slap on the appropriate nameplate and re-attach pins where needed. Deliciously demented.
14. Martian G Halloween Costume (spirithalloween.com). Yeah, yeah, yeah, check it. This costume comes with UFO bling. I’ve looked at Martian G from all angles and just can’t place how it fits into the larger Halloween schematic but I do know this: it’s damn funny. The combination of the superficial and artificial renders an appealing humor deeply entrenched in a larger socio-political sphere which I’d expand upon except that I’m having too much fun beholding this Hip Hop alien. I strongly suggest any band in need of a gimmick buy a couple of these costumes for their next performance. One “Hep Alien” indeed…
And that’ll wrap it up for this week. Next week… my favorite Halloween costume of the season. Boohahah…
Filed under: Halloween |