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Happy Election Day! I don’t know about y’all but I utilize every available opportunity to saunter on down to my local polling place. It’s run by some very enthusiastic baptists who are very liberal on the red, white and blue decor. They also stick a sickly-looking 8-foot tall Uncle Sam mannequin beside the front door… just so you know you’re at the right place. One must navigate a gauntlet of inefficiency and outdated technology stuffed into a sweltering 10X10 room where one may overhear things like, “Wait a second, these ballot numbers don’t match up. Crap! I must have made a mistake somewhere!”

You wait and you wait for an ink-a-dot machine which is set up on a defectively collapsible table which, as noted by its lettering, is a reject from San Diego County. So you dot dot dot, mark your ballot and mosey on over to the septuagenarian hovering above the locked ballot box. The box is uncharacteristically modern. ‘Tis all electronic and junk so you feed your ballot into a scanner and it tells you if you’re dumb and double voted for a candidate. I was proved not dumb. And then you get a sticker that says “I voted” and the bible ladies lead you into an annex where you gorge yourself on bug juice, coffee, sodas, water, brownies, cookies, cake, trail mix, chips and muffins.

Except this time the buffet annex was transformed into another polling station. Curse the stars! Maybe the bible ladies were violating some sort of electoral ordinance. This rendered me very sad so I went to CVS and bought an Orange Fanta. It was nice and chilly and proved a tasty treat in the 93 degree heat.


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