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Holidays with the Hatchetfaces

Peppridge Farm Cake

This evening Buddy Hatchetface did something quite unusual and sat down for dinner with his family.

Two hours later, Buddy kicked off the 2006 Holiday Season by getting himself arrested. As we say, it ain’t truly the holidays unless someone ends up in the big house or the cracker factory. Following yet another “illegal search” which unearthed a brick of weed in the trunk of his red Civic with pink bumper, karma kicked Buddy in the pants for trying to expunge his record while possessing a controlled substance with the intent to distribute.

Ma is naturally broken up about it but the rest of us cop an unfazed attitude. Maybe it’s because Buddy was clearly asking to be incarcerated for being such a dumbass as to self-destruct for just a little more money when finally he managed to get himself a semi-decent job driving a plumbing truck and delivering parts to job sites. (Last 4th of July, he escaped a citation for possession of a joint with a whopping one day probation.) The bottom line is, he just doesn’t get it.

I no longer have faith in him, no longer believe a word he says and can only muster minimal interest in him as a person. It might sound harsh but I’m sure that a lot of people who are related to addicts/abusers/psychopaths can understand. You just get to a point where there’s so much hurt and disappointment and manipulation and embarrassment and negativity and failure despite your best efforts that all you can do is disassociate. Maybe that’s why now I look at it as an absurd thing rather than a deliberate affront.

That’s not to say that I won’t be upset if they lock him up for 5 years like they say they will because he won’t participate in their undercover investigation. I definitely will be sad and upset for him but I can’t really dwell on this everyday and have it permeate everything I do because I can’t change it. Nobody can. Except for Buddy. And the only thing he’s exhibited is interest in blaming everyone else.

I don’t know who’s going to post his bail. He’s got to work tomorrow. I bet Ma gets him out just so he doesn’t get fired. She said she was a coward for hiding in her room when they knocked on the door with the handcuffs. I don’t think she is. I told her what I knew about situations like these based on Dog the Bounty Hunter, which isn’t much. The Machine said he could fill in driving the truck. I had to laugh.

So this holiday Buddy will probably be eating his turkey dinner in the penitentiary. The east-coast Hatchetfaces will drive down to Florida to spend quality time with Brown Sugar and her MS-riddled boyfriend, Steve Martin in a Wheelchair. Brown Sugar’s husband Unkie Sands (who recently helped Steve Martin buy his current house) will be lurking around, fighting and complaining with Brown Sugar for Keylle’s benefit. Keylle may or may not be flunked out of skool by this point. But she’ll get a new car anyway.

Brown Sugar’s sibling rival Unkie Butch will show up in his 45-foot long trailer which is entirely too long to fit in the front of Pop Pop’s house. So he will park his 45-foot long trailer diagonal on Pop Pop’s lawn. Christmas Vacation style. The trailer may or may not have offensive and controversial bumper stickers on its tail. There will probably be some verbal confrontations. Gremmy will complain about Brown Sugar with a hearty, “You already had your chance to be happy!” Then Gremmy will break into Pop Pop’s padlocked freezer and stuff everyone full of Peppridge Farm cakes.

Wow, I’m glad to be staying “home”.


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