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Presidential Hopefuls 1

I’m sure by now you’ve read plenty of analyses about how the Oprah-Bono ticket will affect the Hillary, Barack, Guiliani and McCain campaigns but I beg American political enthusiasts to sit up and take notice of the following powerful dark horse alliances:

DEMOCRAT: Mrs. Kim & Taylor Doose

Mrs. Kim’s extreme organization and martinet nature is sure to pave the way for effective fund-raising and efficient spending on the campaign trail. Commanding respect, Mrs. Kim can whip out her hip “tambourine playing” side as the situation warrants – something Gore was never able to overcome in the 2000 presidential election. While Taylor Doose has ample experience in the political arena as Town Selectman for Stars Hollow, his Howard Dean-like enthusiasm and Quale-like bungles could provide many opportunities for negative spin. Chance of being elected: Fair to Unlikely (see Libertarian candidates)

Mrs. Kim

REPUBLICAN: Eric Theodore Cartman & Leopold “Professor Chaos” “Butters” Stotch

Cartman and Butters’ close, alternating string-pulling and wholesome ties with red-state Colorado fashion the perfect presidential runaway train. Plain and simple, Mr. Cartman isn’t used to accepting “no” as an answer to his demands. His serendipitous and ill-hatched heroism create the perfect recipe for a whirlwind of rallying heat on the campaign trail. For such a manipulative, greedy and sociopathic kid, the United States is but his oyster. Leopold Butters is an even stronger one-two punch in the vice presidential seat. A do-gooder on the outside and a Cheney-scary “Professor Chaos” on the inside, Butters represents the best of both a relatable and fearful world. Chance of being elected: Good.

Cartman Butters

LIBERTARIAN: Peregrin “Pippin” Took & Meriadoc “Merry” Brandybuck

The success of the Took / Brandybuck campaign depends upon how well they can translate their phenomenal global screen success into political viabilty. Ever faithful, Took and Brandybuck have proved that they can forge stronger allies than Ronald Reagan and orate better than The Governator. However, their penchant for hitting the longbottom leaf may render them useless in achieving their long-term goals of successful luck-based anarcho-capitalism. If elected, a competent cabinet must be appointed to keep Took and Brandybuck from accidentally pushing the “red button.” At the very least, their name recognition will steal votes from Democrats. Chance of being elected: Poor.

Pippin and Merry


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