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Birch Beer

Man, I need some Birch Beer up in here.  That smooth, red-rooty elixir brewed by Fanta.  I’ve only ever seen it in the Jerry’s Pizza soda fountain on Rockville Pike.  Do you know who they are?  They got in trouble during the Clinton Administration for using a Slick Willy impersonator to sell pizzas.

Birch Beer reminds me of the big sassafras tree in our back yard that Pops had to chainsaw down.  The Machine and I gathered the severed roots in our big yellow bucket and garden hosed it to the top.  We stirred the dirty soup with a big stick and as the earthy aroma filled our nostrils, we imagined ourselves real Birch Beer barons.

I never did sample our batch of sassafras water but I imagine the result would’ve been worse than Buddy eating an entire bottle of Flinstone vitamins thinking they tasted as delicious as candy… which was worse than Buddy eating half a bag of sparkly fishing lures thinking they were better than candy… but not quite as worse as the fact that the first word Buddy could spell was C-A-N-D-Y.


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