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Malibu – What to Avoid!

Hot winds are blowing, blankets are shed, yes indeed summer is a comin’. One might be inclined to catch the cool Pacific breeze… and if one is feeling upscale, exclusive-remote, one might even venture on over to Malibu. If you so do, AVOID LIKE IT’S THE BUBONIC PLAGUE:

Paradise Cove Beach Cafe

Parking is $25 for the day in Paradise Cove and don’t let the $3 with patronage deals fool you. You’re free hours are going to be ZAPPED waiting for a table. The Paradise Cove Beach Cafe is, hands down, the worst restaurant going experience I’ve ever encountered. I was with an affable group who traveled up from Laguna Beach (a far superior alternative) and somehow got sucked into a nightmare of inefficiency, ineptitude, horrible manners and crappy food.

Here’s what happened: We put our name on the list to be seated in 45 min b/c some members hadn’t yet arrived. (We had maybe 7 people in the group.) We were then given a DEFECTIVE pager.

45 minutes comes and goes and our group is all assembled. The foreperson checks in with the hostess stand. You’re not on the list, they say. We’ll re-add you right now. Fast forward another 45 minutes. Our foreperson approaches the hostess stand and explains the suspicion with the pager. They wave him away and say, it’s working. Go outside and have a drink. We do. Another 45 minutes pass and our foreperson reconvenes with the hostess stand. They insist the pager is working and blame the busy night. Cut to 45 minutes later. Our foreperson speaks to the manager who defers him to the hostess minions. The hostesses switch the pager for a workable one. Indeed it is defective. Of course in the process, our group’s table has long been given away.

We would’ve left this hell except that absolutely nothing is around Paradise Cove. (That’s how they get away with screwing over so many people. Bastards.) Okay, so now we’re 3 hours into waiting for a flippin’ table. We move into the hostess area just as a huge group of people are getting seated. Our foreperson, tight lipped, speaks with the manager again. The response, oops. Sorry. It’s busy. Our bad. But there’s nothing we can do.

Around the 4 hour mark we finally are seated. The bitch-faced manager offers our group a free dessert. We place our orders. Our food arrives and it is nothing short of fast food disgusting. So please, do yourselves a favor – AVOID PARADISE COVE BEACH CAFE AT ALL COSTS!!!

  • idiotic hostesses
  • bitchy managers
  • disorganization unparalleled outside of Italy
  • horrible food
  • ridiculous parking
  • tourist pit scenery
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