Early into unearthing the most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes of 2007, I’ve discovered not only the most inappropriate but also the most heinous and disturbing of all costumes: BRATZ-brand gear which effectively fashion tots into Avril Lavigne-informed streetwalkers. The designs are so offensive and exploitative, I refuse to publish them here. If only the big online retailers shared my sentiments. Commerce should not be prioritized higher than human development.
For the love of all that is sacred, we don’t want to get stuck with crap like this:
1. Vodka Halloween Costume (target.com). I had real reservations about including this “totally” lame-ass costume into this series, but thanks to Target promotion of egregious holiday boozing, it has vaulted into the file of corporate irresponsibility. Yes indeed, we can now easily identify the party’s biggest idiot.
2. Discombobulated Cow Costume (walmart.com). All the rage this year is inflatable costumes. Unfortunately while some of these costumes are cute and cuddly, the concept does not lend itself to easy maneuverability from kidnappers, candy-snatchers, and stop-drop-and-roll situations. And, pray tell, what in the hellfire and brimstone is this thing? Walmart calls it a “Handstanding Cow” which, unless you’re a Starbucks intellectual who wants to dissect its Sartresqueosity, seems like a really unnatural, uncomfortable and inhumane position for a cow to assume. Really, if kids see this thing, all they’re going to wonder is, how can a heifer make it with a moon bounce? I ain’t never seen that on the Discovery Channel.
3. Fat Clown (halloweencostumes4U.com). I don’t like clowns. This clown with its scarier-than-crunk face paint and black hightops evokes less of a friendly circus horse manure scooper and more of a serial killer John Wayne Gacy. His (camera) left hand is positioned in a prime neck-wringing pose. Coincidence? I don’t want to find out.
4. I Love Steroid and Bratwursts Personal Trainer Halloween Costume (walmart.com). Thanks, Walmart, for another inflatable misstep. While the potbelly peeking out from the personal trainer mini-tee might be ironic in and of itself, one has to consider the bigger picture. The unnatural biceps popping from the forearm, the ‘roid-rage of a face… yeah, this costume’s going a little Chris Benoit. And for anyone who thinks steroids are a joke, I recommend the TLC program THE MAN WHOSE ARMS EXPLODED. That was one nasty and disturbing show. Maybe Walmart thinks this obscenely-figured Personal Trainer Costume is clever but in the modern age, this costume is a little too dicey. Particularly if you slip on a cap and bicycle shorts and call it a Floyd Landis.
5. Hippie Dog Costume (costumecraze.com). Someone call Cesar Milan. I said it last year and I’ll say it again this year, forcing your pet to wear clothes – be it tutus, antlers or full on costume garb – is barbaric and ridiculous. Fido is not down with this, you stoner! Stop corrupting him with your free-love ways!