I held off posting this for a day so I could wish everyone a Happy October 1st. Reminder: Now’s the time to think about what you’re going to be for Halloween and order your costume. Last year, all the good costumes sold out faster than fun-sized bags of 3 Musketeers bars (currently on sale at Target) . And that is FAST. So order no later than mid-next week or else you may very well end up with one of these Halloween Costume Monstrosities:
1. Blue Man Group Halloween Mask (buycostumes.com). Yes, the BMG mutes are creepy but this mask looks more like a blueberry-dipped Peter Boyle, a horrible encounter with a fruit roll up or Violet Beauregarde’s Papa. Maybe if you did something about the Caucaisan eye bags peeking from behind the waxy latex and found other suckers to don similar masks and join you, you could pull off the BMG ensemble. But otherwise, you’re just a solitary Blue Man. A very odd solitary Blue Man. Come to think about it, when I was 11, I dipped a candle that looked very much like this at a YMCA summer camp.
2. Flying Mokey Halloween Costume (target.com). Is it just me or does this flying monkey look like he’s about to F you up? This thing isn’t a minion, it’s a thug. With boxing glove paws and a He-Man t-shirt, he’s ready to pop you one. I can’t tell if this monkey has wings or not. Indeed if it’s a flying monkey, it needs either wings or a jetpack. It certainly can’t fly by his Dumbo ears. Why the hell are his ears so big anyway? Props for the punky Mohawk, though.
3. Snake Charmer Halloween Costume (anniescostumes.com). Great. Another Halloween Costume ruined by accentuating some dork’s dork (and this time accessorizing it with hippie beads.) So this shmaltz is charming his own hoo-ha with a penny whistle? He’s going to be playing with himself for a really, really long time.
4. Royal Flush Halloween Costume(www.halloweenstore.com). Um, this thing comes with a “plastic working urinal” so I guess whoever is bold/stupid enough to wear this horrid outfit better be prepared to get peed on. And like my fourth grade teacher used to say, it’s better to get pissed off than pissed on. Poor humored frattie, wait ’til all the red cups are empty and your bros have had their way with you, you might be able to score some action from the drunk and slutty genie in the corner… or a gambling addict.
5. Big Weenie Halloween Mask (frightcatalog.com). Yup, you got that right. At least it’s not on his hoo-ha. I don’t get these mask-only Halloween costumes. If you’re going to go out looking like an idiot, why not just go the whole nine yards with a full-body get up? The two eye holes in the hotdog bun ruin its proportions.
6. Corn Halloween Costume (orientaltrading.com). I can totally picture some poor kid’s cheesy dad thinking that this is a good idea. Like he would think giving his kids root beer before bedtime is a good idea. Both have 0 nutritional value. And this one is likely to get him shucked and TP’d by the neighborhood hooligans. Sorry, pal, nobody’s going to be cross-pollinating you this Halloween.
7. Pig Mask (halloweenasylum.com). I sort of feel victimized just by looking at this fleshy and morosely smug pig mask. There are going to be an awful lot of crying kids if you go prancing about town in this thing. Please don’t expose this thing to anyone not old enough to watch DELIVERANCE. And stay out of Georgia! Your Hogzilla butt may be roped, tied and photographed for the next issue of National Geographic! Actually, after my breakfast of Cheetos, it sort of makes me hungry for apples.
8. Easter Egg Man Costume (stagecraftinc.com). Sweet lord, where do I start? I don’t care what holiday it is. An enormous bunny carrying a pastel dinosaur egg with a fetal man inside… it’s just not natural and really damages the evolutionary debate. Anti-Darwinian blasphemy!
9. Race Horse and Jockey Halloween Costume (halloweencostumeshop.com). Er, parents, please don’t let your kids or neighbors see you out and about on the cul-de-sac in these weird Halloween costumes, unless you want to reveal your S&M and bondage fetishes. Look at dad’s subservient pose to mom’s feisty domination. Dang, lock these people right up in the Hellfire Club.
10. Wheeties Box Halloween Costume spirithalloween.com). Oh Johnny, don’t you know that Halloween is a time to ditch your wholesome side for something more ghoulish? Okay, I’ll concede that if your parents are on the fence about the whole Satan-worshiping holiday thing then suggesting a tame costume might swing the pendulum to your side. But like, does anyone even eat Wheaties anymore? Wasn’t that an ’80s thing?