The grossness continues…
1. Jack Osbourne Halloween Costume (Halloweencostumeshop.com). The price on this horror has dropped from $28.00 to $6.00 and that should be a warning to all you Yanks. Those horrid Osbournes were so 4 years (and in Jack’s case, 50 lbs and many bad hairstyles) ago. Of course, you could modify this with a lip ring, bible and cap for a Revolution Church-Jay Bakker look.
2. Uncle Sam Halloween Mask (Costumecraze.com). Who wants to scare some Iraqis this Halloween? Or, come to think of it, Americans as well. Nothing like a creepy ass carnival sideshow snarling Unkie Sam mask to spin patriotism into a nightmare of horrors. Jeez, no wonder I’m scared into paying my taxes.
3. Slutty Librarian Halloween Costume (Target.com). As Target so eloquently illustrates, one man’s “sassy” is another man’s “slutty”. Who knew such fine social institutions could be so desecrated? While libraries may favor protecting your identity over revealing who’s checking out threatening materials to Big Brother, they will not tolerate porn-surfing on their computers. Therefore, I can not honestly believe in the authenticity of this Madame Librarian. (Unless she works for Flynt Publications.)
4. Adam and Eve Halloween Costume (Halloweenstore.com). If you are not an albino, you should not be wearing this blindingly pale body suit adorned with shiny plastic fig leaves. As we all know, Halloween’s just another excuse to get naked and gorge on sweets so why don the body suit at all? A more natural – and more biblical – approach (which even the prudes can admit looks much better) can be crafted with just a spool of thread and handful of foliage. Beware of companies selling Adam and Eve costumes with floral leis… nowhere in Genesis does it say that A&E got their groove on at any luaus.
5. Pigs in a Blanket Halloween Costume (Prankplace.com). Pigs in a Blanket screams poor sense of humor and is ideal perfect for anyone who ever dressed up for “Pajama Day” during their high school’s Spirit Week. That is, not I. This fellow’s endearing expression enhances the creep factor of this Halloween costume as I so find the appetizer Pigs in a Blanket likewise macabre. I am certain, actually, that Pigs in a Blanket, Beanie Weenie, Cocktail Wieners (all served at Strassies’ picnics) are a leading contributor to my herbivorism. While I like pigs as animals, enjoy the movie BABE and admit that this costume is zoologically correct (pigs like to burrow in things such as blankets and straw), I just can’t get behind a costume or person that would promote a freakish appetizer in such a cuddly fashion.
6. Suicide Bomber Dog Halloween Costume (Buycostumes.com). So the official name of this costume is “Watch Dog” but whom are we kidding? This outfit is straight up modern suicide bomber. Yeah, this costume is future-weapons scary but like your dog’s going to get confiscated, arrested and sent to GitMo, blown up in a counter-terrorism move and/or become a martyr/poster mutt for the jihad. And look at this poor pooch’s face. He knows he’s about to be sent into dangerous territory. It’s not his fault that he’s innately predisposed to trade his life for the Milkbone sign up bonus. ALALALALA! Someone contact the ASPCA/United Nations ASAP!
7. Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner Halloween Costume (Nawtythings.com). Oh man, this so far exceeds the typical Halloween trash. What woman, no matter how ditzy (aside from REAL WORLD / SURREAL LIFE Trishelle), would don such a masochistic costume? I could sort of see how such a thing might appeal to a really skeevy bubba attempting to stay true to his roots while taking a chance gender-bending. But any woman wearing this inflatable monstrosity screams ISSUES. The bad kind of issues. Jocelyn “Cat Lady” Wildenstein kind of issues. Really dudes, take my word for it. Stay away from Wet T-Shirt Contest Winner.
8. Holiday Cat Costume (Target.com). Who says this cat kills its owner in his sleep? Nothing chimes Holiday Spirit less than a feline in a Santa hat and matching holly scarf. Be prepared for a Dickensian intervention. Tip #1: Nobody will fawn over your Christmas cat. They will be too busy questioning your mental soundness. Tip #2: If your cat tolerates this outfit, what you own is not a cat.
9. Shaggy Halloween Costume (Halloweencostume4U.com). And your kid is representing your 420-loving proclivities and wistfulness of the days of yore. Come on, Johnny’s ability to think beyond the scope of corporate mass marketing disappeared 20 years ago. It’s all about artificial struggles (Transformers / Halo 3) this year. So we know that this kid’s inappropriate Scooby Doo Halloween costume is all his capitalist hippie parents’ doing. I mean not even the wind-blown wig is authentic. Anyone who knows anything about Scooby Doo knows that Shaggy sported a much Nappier ‘do. Zoinks.
10. Trailer Park King Halloween Costume (Halloweencostumeshop.com). What is the lowest common denominator? Those on the bottom rungs of the socioeconomic ladder or those choosing to exploit those on the bottom rungs of the socioeconomic ladder? You know whom I vote for. Let’s examine this revolting Halloween costume: “blue-collar” coveralls, a trucker hat, a white undershirt, a pot belly and some pretty fly boots. Inconsistently insulting. And I don’t know if anyone’s been to a trailer park recently, but some of those trailers are frickin’ sweet rides. Not just for hurricanes anymore, folks.