Sifting through the stinkin’ trash heap that is the market’s most Inappropriate Halloween Costumes, occasionally I’ll come across one or two that,while inappropriate, I take a shine to. I hereby present 2007 Inappropriate Halloween Costumes bearing the Baby Hatchetface stamp of approval:
1. Nice Beaver Halloween Costume (Rickyshalloween.com). If you don’t understand the double entendre then you’re too young to be reading this post. But really, the Beaver Costume looks like it’s crafted from high quality materials and that’s the first step to appropriateosity. I like this get-up in a very DEAD ALIVE, wrong but funny, way. Attitude is everything in animal costumes – cool, confident and relaxed is the only way to go.
2. Crazy Cat Lady Halloween Costume (Buycostumes.com). Crazy Cat Ladies are naturally scary and demented and shouldn’t be exploited even if they pass out weird Halloween treats like figs or kibble and you don’t really want to solicit their houses but end up on their porch ‘cuz the older kids dare you. Heaven forbid a Crazy Cat Lady Costume should meet a real Crazy Cat Lady. The universe might implode in a giant hairball. What both Cat Ladies have in common are a disheveled sense of simplicity. The lines and modernist colors of this nutty wardrobe immediately grab the eye. While the cat heads are abnormal, they quite nicely circularly accent the salmon pink robe. And cognitive recognition won’t pose a problem. Everyone can spot (and smell) a Crazy Cat Lady from miles away. Meow.
3. Whoop Ass Halloween Costume (Buycostumes.com). Hee hee. Inflatable Can of Whoop Ass could really sock you a good one. Of course, I’d really like a geek crawl up into one of these things and see what happens. There’s just something about a ‘roid rager popping out of a constrictive can that sure tickles my funny bone. A modern equivalent of trick snakes jumping out of a fake peanut can. Bring on the juice! I mean, nobody’s going to encourage this thing with sugar if it trick-or-treats but it’d still be fun to see it roaming the ‘hood.
4. Peeps Halloween Costume (Importcostumes.com). I must confess. I like peeps. I could easily down a tray or two of those sugary sweet slightly-stale squishy delights. (Of course I would feel bloated and nauseated afterwards but sometimes, like this costume, you gotta do what feels good NOW) The Marshmallow Peeps costume is dorky but cute, bad for you but irresistible.
5. Disco Toddler Halloween Costume (Costumecraze.com). Is the disco era really something we need to culturally immortalize? But my stars, this kid looks super fly in his fluffy afro, powder blue and sequined jumpsuit. The Hatchetheart melts just a little. My only suggestion, outfit Junior with some smooth white platforms.
6. Elvis Baby Halloween Costume (Halloweencostumeshop.com). No denying, this baby is bad ass. And don’t you dare make fun of the ill-fitting Mr. T ‘do. Elvis baby is taking care of business and you better deal with it. Just ask the snarl. I love it.
7. Sherlock Holmes Halloween Costume (Target.com). Have to
domesticate humiliate your house beast? Try this Sherlock Holmes Halloween Costume. Actually, I think it’s really an outfit for pups ready to hit the links. Either way, with the tartan tam and bow tie, Sherlock Dog wistfully reminds me of Greyfriars Bobby. Bloody hell, it’s wrong but so precious.
8. Dog Shalom Costume (Rickyshalloween.com). I like this costume because the royal blue yarmulke and Star of David sash perfectly complement the weimaraner’s skin tone and somber expression. The dachshund, however, is just plain ridiculous.
9. Tropical Gorilla Halloween Costume (Zoogstercostumes.com). An existential exercise in the intersection of global cultures. Why is an African gorilla wearing Polynesian coconuts and Western dungarees? The heck if I know but it looks like it’s having a whale of a time and I gotta be down with that. Pass the Mai Tais, Kong.
10. Bad Santa Halloween Costume (Halloweencostumes4u.com). The Klaus be downing major Haterade and I’m a sucker for monochromes. The clangly bell, touching on sketchy Salvation Army wheelings and dealings (Really, they lawyered up against Pop Pop’s loaded friend – angry at their mere 10% cut – after he left the bulk of his estate to his son, and threatened to bankrupt the estate if they didn’t get more, more, more! The SA’s threats, sadly, were effective.) integrates a sophisticated shade of foulness into an already damnable costume. Bah Humbug Santa isn’t jolly-portly like his red and white counterpart. Rather, he’s an indulgent but fun-loving rough rider who’d assuredly pop you one if you got on the wrong side of his sleigh. Bad Santa is anti-holiday and dang satisfied!
11. Christmas Tree Costume (Anytimecostumes.com). Sweet lord, whoever shimmies into this Christmas Tree Costume gets the Hatchetface respect. I like the fully conceptualized design of this costume, from star atop head to wrapped presents on feet. Heck, even the arms and legs flawlessly mesh with the overall ensemble. Great color scheme too. Of course the costume is holiday inappropriate for Halloween, but a mere month later, this Christmas tree could stand innocuously against a wall and scare the bajeebers out of passersby. Genius.
CHECK BACK ON OCTOBER 31ST WHEN I NAME THE KING OF ALL INAPPROPRIATE HALLOWEEN COSTUMES!