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NOT GUILTY OF COUNTERFEITING AT PANDA EXPRESS!

Attention Panda Express employees at the Burbank Media City Center Mall: I did not attempt to pay for my Panda Bowl (half steamed rice, half chow mein and tofu-eggplant) with a counterfeit $5 bill. You see, had you been properly trained, you would know that on March 13th, the Federal Reserve introduced this new bill into general circulation. The Board of Governors of the Federal Reserve System says:

Similar to recently redesigned $10, $20, and $50 bills, the new $5 bill incorporates improved, easy-to-use security features, making it easier for businesses and consumers to check the new $5 bills they receive and more difficult for counterfeiters to fake .

Interesting, hmmmmmmm? So now you see there was no need to demand that I pay via a different method, yell at me, enlist two other employees into the fight, give me a sob story about how you will be responsible for making up the money if your drawer comes up short, fly into a frenzy when I suggested that you call security to corroborate my actions, and release the hounds when I grabbed my Panda Bowl and made a run for it. Please, management. Get it together!

But let’s, for a moment, consider IF I DID IT:

  • I would not distort a bill with conspicuously purple ink in a situation where there weren’t plans to introduce a new $5 bill into circulation.
  • I would not counterfeit a $5 bill. LA is most known for their hand at counterfeiting 50s.

Besides, I believe in karma. The defense rests!

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